When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
