yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There r osticjed everywhere
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
