"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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