sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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