Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
