Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
