So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
