so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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