how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
