I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
