I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
