All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
