He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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