You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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