I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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