That's intense
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
