i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
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