Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
