Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
