ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
