Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
