you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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