yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
