i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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