I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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