but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
