I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
