I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
