So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
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Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.