you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god