Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
