how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
