i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
