My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
