Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
