she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
