just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
