hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
