Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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