Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
