Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
