Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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