did you get engaged???
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
