Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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