glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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