Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
