I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
