The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Are my feet made of real feet?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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