I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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