I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
