The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
