life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
