i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she smelled like a LAN party
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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