Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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