So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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