dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
