Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
