This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
