I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
