Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
