how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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