Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
