Just cropdusted the office
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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