i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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