seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
