you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
