You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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