Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
