just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
