How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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